A Sneak Attack Supernova with an Entitlement Complex: 25 Reasons Why J.J. Abrams’ Star Trek Falls Flat on its Tattooed Romulan Face

Friday, May 8th 2009

Yay! Abrams delivers slipshod TV triteness on the big screen once again! And now we have a sullied Trek legacy to look forward to. Thank you J.J., love and kisses! Here are 25 reasons why the movie that endeavors to call itself Star Trek utterly fails.

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  1. Time travel. It’s kind of like playing the Nazi card in an argument. Once you’re there, we know you got nothing left.
  2. A flimsy, needlessly complicated plot that requires the Architect from The Matrix to explain in under three minutes, because if it took any longer, we’d realize it makes absolutely no sense. Plain old lazy screenwriting, if you ask me.
  3. Sentimentality. How many fathers and mothers need to die before you think sheer sentimentality will distract me from the bogus time-travel plot? I know there’s this “backstory” for this whole horrible “2.0 universe” that originates with this comic, forking off Star Trek Nemesis. But we Trekkies aren’t allowed to judge this film in the context of the greater Star Trek universe, right? This is a reboot—an alternate reality, yeah? We have to analyze this movie without referring to a comic that nobody knows about, correct? Well apparently nobody told Abrams.
  4. Do we NEED more Romulan badguys? Did Abrams even watch Star Trek Nemesis? Hello: it sucked. I’d rather watch the whale movie again.
  5. A sneak-attack supernova.
  6. LAME Romulan badguys. A lamer badguy than Darth Vader in the Star Wars prequels. How dare you even attempt to compare Nero to Khan! The guy looks like a Wiccan tattoo artist and his name is NERO. Of all the Roman names to choose from, Nero? Really?
  7. Sensationalism. Bullshit that a film can’t succeed if it has to “appease the fans.” Maybe this is true financially, but we have yet to even find out. The simple fact of the matter is that every Hollywood reboot that’s been put out in the past ten years (with the exception... ( more )